CSI: PENCILS (Shit & Run)

This is a true story. I personally interviewed all the Pencils associates who were eyewitnesses to the incident. Matt, the manager on duty, refused to let me view the surveillance tape, but I was told it was watched endlessly by all the other associates that evening. I caution the reader: the description of the details of this event may cause nausea, a sympathetic effusion or uncontrollable laughter, or a combination of the above.
At approximately 7 PM on Thursday, April 21st, a large woman, whose weight was approximated at between 275-300 pounds, wearing a long black skirt and white blouse, entered Pencils pushing a shopping cart. Pete, who was working at the Tech Desk, then heard a woman's voice yell out, "I don't feel good." He looked up and saw the woman trying to exit through the entrance doors. She was pushing the shopping cart into the doors, apparently in hopes of getting the sensors to release. The doors did open and the woman quickly exited. Karen, the cashier on duty and closest to the scene, then noticed several large, brown piles on the floor, precisely where the woman was standing. The brown "matter" was tracked by the shopping cart wheels and the woman's feet from the white tile floor, back through the carpeted foyer, and onto the sidewalk in front of Pencils. It was agreed on by all the Pencils associates and managers that the woman did in fact loose control of her bowels and the question now was what to do. If I had been there, I would of suggested calling the fire department to hose it out. As it turned out, the unthankful task was granted to Tom, the Inventory Associate. When I saw Tom on Saturday, I tried to illicit some sort of statement from him, not knowing if he would find it humorous. "It was an abomination, " he told me... smiling. I suggested he ask for a bonus.
Yesterday I suggested to Matt that the carpeting in the foyer be replaced for sanitary reasons. Matt said, "I already spoke to corporate about it."