Music To My Ears

Last year when I was working in the IT department at a local GM dealership, I couldn't help to notice the odd choice of music piped into the showroom. While an 80 year-old couple would be looking over a new Buick LaCrosse, The Grateful Dead would be singing, "Ridin' that train, high on cocaine....". I asked Sarah, my supervisor, who decided what music channel was played, and she replied, "The owner, Bill... he likes the 70's format." Hey, I'll take Frank Zappa over Frank Sinatra whenever I'm car shopping!

On any given day, the music playing in Pencils can be downright atrocious to mildly tolerable. Occasionally I'll catch Tom, the office supply associate, singing along to a Sheryl Crow tune or Mary humming along to Beyonce. Personally, I'd like to hear Snagglepuss' Minnow blaring down the aisles. I can anticipate a customer complaining about the "loud music" to which I could respond, "Sir, if you don't like it, get the hell out and buy your fuckin' loose leaf binders and stupid Sharpies somewhere else... and by the way, do you have a Pencils Reward Card?"

Entrepreneur Of The Year Award

I haven't been contacted by Human Resources at Pencils, but somehow I don't think I'm cut-out for advancing to management. Too many sales quotas, conference calls, employee and customer issues and "Memo's about the TPS Reports." There also may be a notation in my file that says, "Nut Job, but shows up for work and doesn't steal merchandise."
Yesterday I spotted an SUV in the Pencils' parking with a large decal advertising "Crime Site Restoration." At first I thought Pencils hired this company to clean the human feces off the carpet in the foyer, but then I remembered Matt had  contacted corporate and had the carpet replaced last month. So now I'm thinking, here's an entrepreneur who has determined there is a niche market that is being underserved. A few years ago my neighbor, Henry, sent his wife to one of the dozen apartments he owned to "clean up" after a tenant was discovered dead. Amy (Henry's wife) had told me, "Mitch, it was disgusting. She had been decomposing on the mattress for several days and it was quite a mess." Why her husband asked her to do this and why she actually did it, I can't imagine. Henry and Amy are coming over for dinner next week and I'll mention Crime Site Restoration to them. And if they need a virus removed from their computer, that's another story.

Taking It Like A Man

My rectum was still tingling from a prostate exam earlier in the day when I showed up for the late shift at Pencils. The first thing Matt, my manager, said to me was, "Don't forget what I told you about selling ESP's the other day." I took that as an ominous sign, but to my relief, nobody from management bothered me the entire night. My big sale was a pencil sharpener for $1.50. I spent over 30 minutes with that customer explaining the pros and cons of the various electric, manual and "old school" devices. The "Biggest Asshole Customer Award" went to a young lady who insisted on buying a box of 12 Crayola Crayons. Pencils had boxes of 10 and 16 crayons, but not a box of 12. Sick of listening to her whining, I told her, "Buy the box of 16, and take 4 crayons out, then you'll have a box of 12." She didn't find that amusing, because, she stated, "Why should I pay for 4 crayons that won't be used?" I wanted to say, "They won't go to waste because I'm just about ready to shove those crayons up your ass," but instead said, "Look, I go on break in one minute and have to hit the head, so make up your mind."

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

No sooner than my boss, Matt, finished royally reaming me out for not selling an ESP (extended service plan), a customer walked up to me and asked if Pencils carried replacement chargers for a laptop. He was quite dapper in appearance, and I pegged him for either an educator or a psychologist. Feeling a bit revengeful for that little "talking to" I had just endured, I informed him that he could get ripped-off for $100 at Pencils, or buy the same charger online at Amazon or at FompUSA down the road for $39. He said he wasn't familiar with the area, and could I give him directions to FompUSA. Since he obviously wasn't a local yokel, I continued the conversation by asking him where he was from. "I'm the Administrator for the Division of Mental Health for the state prison system and work out of state capital," he replied. Now, I couldn't resist. I then said, "Let me ask you a hypothetical question... if I was to come to work one day with an AK-47 and start blowing people away, would you feel my actions would be justified considering the mental stress inflicted on employees here to sell extended service plans?" I detected a slight expression of "are you serious", but the gentleman offered this advise: "You seem like an honest fellow, and you may benefit from counseling. Otherwise I might suggest speaking with your boss to resolve your issues before they get out of hand." I thanked him for his advise and later told Matt that maybe one reason I can't sell Extended Service Plans is because I'm just too stupid. I then asked Matt if he knew where I could buy ammo for my AK-47.

What Stinks At Starbucks

Andy, a retiree from Rhode Island, works mornings at my local Starbucks to keep himself occupied and to supplement his social security dollars. He frequently extols the benefits of working for Starbucks, which apparently has a completely different business philosophy than Pencils. Each Saturday and Sunday morning, at approximately 9:30 AM, a boisterous, smelly, obnoxious and inconsiderate group of bicyclists arrive, much to the dismay of the Starbucks customers, and to Andy in particular. "They're dripping sweat all over the counter, they're rude, and some only want a free glass of filtered water. Of course none leave a tip," Andy recently lamented to me. The kicker here is that I too ride my bicycle to Starbucks, but refuse to travel in pack, or wear those tight-fitting Lycra bike shorts. I don't mind looking at the girls' asses, even those who could afford to loose a pound or two, but those fuckin' guys... with their "junk/package/anthony weiner" hangin' out is too much for me to take. But I digress, let me get back to the issue at hand.
This past Sunday morning Andy apparently had enough of the group's behaviour and shouted out, "Can you people please use your indoor voices!" This really pissed the bicyclists off, and later as I was standing outside I heard one hormone-infused guy say, "Who the hell does he think he is telling us that?" I relayed that comment to Andy and suggested he add a little urine to the guy's latte next Sunday.

Digital Detox

Welcome sign that hangs in the foyer of my house

My buddy Jon, aka Jonny Dread, is an addict... and he's not addicted to ganja, but to his cellphone. There is usually an extra place set at his dinner table... for his cellphone. I once called him and he answered his phone while he was sitting in a dentist's chair. Granted, I had trouble understanding him as his mouth was filled with cotton. I bring this up because last week while I was sitting on the crapper, I read an article in the Wall Street Journal about "digital detox." A group of resorts have offered a discount to guests who surrender their laptops, iPhones, iPads, Crackberry's or anything else that digitally connects them to the real world... which got me to thinking.

My wife recently asked me if I was busy at Pencils with computer repairs. "Of course not, who wants to pay $200 for virus removal?" I responded. Anyway, she then commented, "Pencils needs to revamp their business plan if they want to stay in business." So now I'm brainstorming: Pencils needs to franchise Digital Detox Centers. There could be a million ways Pencils corporate could fuck it up, but I'm considering dropping this idea in the suggestion box. Who knows, I could get a $15 Gift Certificate to Applebee's.

Pencils: An Equal Opportunity Employer

Pencils job applicant Charles Manson: Excellent
people and organizational skills; has anger issues
and not available to work weekends.

It seems nobody wants to answer the phone at Pencils. Chances are it's another stupid customer asking yet another stupid question. I recently answered a call from a young man who asked if the opening for the cashier position was still available. It wasn't the typical asinine inquiry... then I noticed my boss Matt consulting (i.e. ripping-off) a customer on the other end of the tech bench, so I saw my chance to stir the pot. I politely interrupted, which really pissed Matt off, then asked him, "Matt, there is a young man on the phone inquiring about the cashier's position. He wants to know if a manslaughter conviction would prevent him from getting the job. His father came at him with a pitchfork and he blew the guy's brains out with a shotgun in self-defense." Matt just stared at me, so I then asked him, "Should I tell him to fill out the application online?" The customer looked at me somewhat horrified. I told the young man on the phone to stop by the store and introduce himself to one of the managers. I also mentioned, "If you don't steal or smoke crack on the job, chances are you'll get hired."

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Cold In A Pretzel Bowl

Tonight a customer purchased a HP Desktop that was on sale for $329. Matt, the tech manager, tried to sell him Microsoft Office, then Norton Security, then the Extended Service Plan. The customer wasn't falling for the bullshit sales rip-off, so Matt turned to me and said, "Go ring him out." As I'm at the register Mat comes over and is relentlessly going over his sales pitch, almost to the point I want to say, for the customers sake, "Shut the fuck up already with the extended service plan shit." As soon as the customer is out the door, Matt comes up to me and says, "Don't ever rush a customer through check-out when I'm trying to make a sale." Now I'm wondering if this guy is for real. He then asks me, "Do you know what a market basket is?" I want to respond, "Do you know what a fuckin' asshole is?", but answer, "Sir, yes sir!" Matt then says, "Your market basket was $6.99 for the pretzels the guy bought along with the computer." Later, while Matt is spending 30 minutes in the crapper, I'm able to convince a customer not to buy the Toshiba laptop on display but go purchase a MacBook at The Apple Store instead.

By Reason of Insanity

By all outwardly appearances, the middle-aged woman standing at the tech bench seemed to be normal. I overheard her telling Matt, my manager, her hard drive had crashed and she was desperate to have her data recovered. This is where it gets strange... an hour later, she is still standing there, and I hear her say, "I'm not leaving this damned store until I know my data is recovered." Every few minutes when I come into earshot, I hear more of her ranting and raving, when this comes out of her mouth: "I know my God-damned brother screwed my computer up, and he is HIV positive, and I hope he dies." Now she has gone from annoying to making me sick to my stomach. She soon segues into an Iraq war/oil conspiracy theory dissertation when I can stand it no longer. I interrupt her and say, "You don't have to explain the war to Matt as he worked for Halliburton before coming to work for Pencils. He was also a hunting buddy of Dick Cheney's." For the first time since entering the store her mouth stopped flapping like a whippoorwill's ass. Matt looked at me somewhat puzzled, but thankful I got her to shut the fuck up.

Full "Mental" Jacket

It takes a lot to creep me out, but one customer last night managed to raise the bar. He was a middle-aged guy and had two kids with him, a boy and a girl, both young teenagers. What immediately caught my attention was he looked like Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket, only he was wearing large wire frame glasses... I'll also go out on a limb and say his photo may be on one of those registered sex offender websites. In any case, he spent over an hour looking at shitty MP3 players when he finally came up to the Tech Bench said, "Can I ask you a few questions?" My first reaction was to say "Fuck Off" and call The Department of Children's Services, but said, "Go ahead." For starters, he wanted to know how many movies and songs his son could load on the MP3 player. As it only had 4GB, I told him that depended, but asked why didn't his son want to buy an iPod at Best Buy instead. Well, come to find out this poor kid didn't know what iTunes was, apparently had no friends who he could pirate movies and music from, and was stuck with his strange-ass father and a sister who acted like she was on thorazine. When "Dad" finally decided to hold off on making a decision on whether or not to buy the MP3 Player, he started to reach into his pocket and say, "Would you mind if I gave you something?" I'm thinking a $5 or $10 tip, but no... its a pamphlet that reads: "4 Things God Wants You To Know"- That explained everything...

Pencils: Sweat Equity

In what the marketing department will say is a corporate effort to "go green," Pencils' associates will say is yet another attempt by the bean-counters to add a few cents to the bottom line at the expense of the employees' comfort. What I'm referring to is the turning off of the air-conditioning 40 minutes prior to the store closing. If you're working in the downtown Anchorage, Alaska Pencils or store # 2630 in Bismarck, North Dakota during the summer months, I'm sure it's no big deal. But if your sorry ass is in any of the stores located in Florida, Arizona or Texas... watch out!  The average night time temperature in South Florida is 80 degrees, add that to the heat generated by the indoor lighting and then the hot air generated by the managers, and it won't take long to feel a bit sticky. I've noticed several of the male employees waddling around like ducks just before closing, so I'm going to suggest we all pitch in and buy a case of Gold Bond Medicated Powder. Gold Bond's website says, "Gold Bond Powder is used to curb moisture, control odor, and soothe minor skin irritations, most notably jock itch." I'm thinking the "Extra Strength Powder" is the way to go. As for my female co-workers, I'm open to suggestions.

I Stand (Or Sit) Corrected?

Last week I criticized the corporate geniuses at Pencils who thought it would be a good idea to sell toilet paper at an office supply store. Yesterday, while covering the register for Karen, a lady came to the check-out with one package of the Charmin 16 roll pack. I had to ask, "What's up with the Charmin?" She told me that the price, $4.99 was almost half of what Walmart was selling it for, and when she used her 15% Rewards Points, "It a deal I can't pass up." Judging by her girth, I wanted to suggest she buy a second 16 roll pack. But here is where corporate should take note: She didn't buy anything else. No paper clips, no paper, not even the stupid $1 LED flashlight, only the toilet paper. So the marketing mavens did miss the mark. Like the bean-counters in corporate, customers who come to Pencils for the deal on toilet paper are only interested in one thing.... keeping their asses clean.

Live And Let Live

My wife and I were sitting in our neighborhood Applebee's last night eating an unhealthy dose of sodium and saturated fat (otherwise referred to as food on the menu) when the topic of Walmart arose. The news was reporting about the current lawsuit that the women employees brought against Walmart. Walmart won the initial ruling and my wife commented, "It will be appealed." Trying to put a personal spin on it, I replied, "At least Pencils doesn't decimate entire towns like Walmart." After a moments pause, she offered her view, "No, Pencils only decimates all the Mom & Pop stationary stores." Our local office supply store, established in 1921 and was/is the oldest business in South Florida, is now only a shell of its former self. There are also a few other stores barely hanging on, how I do not know. I'm proud to say I refuse to shop at Walmart. Also, I'd be remiss if I didn't remind you Pencils sells toilet paper.

Please Squeeze The Charmin

Now I'm wondering who determined that a store that sells office supplies should also sell toilet paper. They are either marketing geniuses or another example of out-of-touch corporate imbeciles.
After Tom, the inventory associate, asked me to help him stock a shelf with 900 rolls of Charmin, I couldn't help but to ponder who comes to Pencils to buy toilet paper. Judging from the use of our bathroom facilities by the general public, this in fact may be  a form of subliminal advertising (see related postings from April 24th and April 9th). Often I get asked where Matt, the assistant manager is. The most common reply is, "In the back office." This response is sometimes perplexing to my co-workers, so I clarify it by adding, "He's in the can." I try to say this loud enough so at least a couple of customers will hear it. Looking at the bright side, if I use my 10% employee discount, a 16-pack of Charmin might be a deal. As a good Samaritan, I'd leave a roll or two in the men's room for Matt.

Animation Abomination

Yesterday I spent my entire shift watching animated training videos. Initially the thought of sitting in a mold-encrusted spider hole (also referred to as the training room) for 5 hours appealed to me as I wouldn't be mindlessly stacking toner cartridges or answering stupid customer questions all night. But once the videos started, I could hardly watch the monitor. In a half-assed attempt to be politically correct, Pencils featured an African-American character that appeared to be suffering from Stage-4 Leukemia. The voice was a combination of Fat Albert and Sir Richard Burton (from Othello). I'm not black, although my wife's Nordic family considers me a "dark skin minority," but I would be definitely taking offense to these videos if I was of African descent.
When there was only 15 minutes remaining on the clock before closing, I emerged from the bowels of Pencils and was immediately approached by a woman and her teenage daughter near the laptop display. I could tell from her accent she was Haitian and she told me she wanted to buy the Acer Laptop that was on sale for $350.00- I knew Pencils would be loosing at least $50 on that sale if she wasn't persuaded to purchase any of the bullshit add-ons, so I told her to make sure she only buys the computer. I informed her that her daughter can download free anti-virus and Open Office for text editing and to forget the extended service plan. As the pair walked out as the last customers of the night, Steve, my associate at the tech bench turned to me and said, "Thanks Mitch, that really brought our store numbers down for the day." It was my pleasure.

My Cart Runneth Over... Not.

I got a pep talk from my manager Matt yesterday. For some unknown reason he thought I would be interested in "going over the numbers" and where I could improve the store's ranking. "Mitch, we loose money on every computer and printer that goes out the door that doesn't have an ESP (extended service plan), software, ink, paper or anything else in the basket." I guess he couldn't tell from the expression on my face that I couldn't give a rat's ass. About ten minutes later a couple came in and asked me, "What is the cheapest printer you have?" I pointed them towards an HP that was on sale for $49. I asked them if they needed an extra black ink cartridge and they said no. As I was ringing out the sale, Matt looked over at me from behind the tech bench and gave me a thumbs up. When I returned to the tech counter Matt, with a shit-eating grin on his face, asked me if I sold them the ESP. "Why the hell would anyone pay an additional $15 on a $49 throw-away printer?" I responded. I also neglected to tell him I refuse to even mention the ESP to customers, it's a total rip-off. I later noticed that my work schedule for next week was cut to 5 hours.

Dressing for Success: Pencils Style

Leave it to another moron in Corporate to come up with a dress code that stipulates "... black socks must be worn by all employees." First off, who the hell can tell what color socks you are wearing when wearing pants? And since employees aren't allowed to sit down, the chances of anyone actually seeing your socks is slim to none. I recently read an online posting by another Pencils' employee who was sent home to change her white socks. She stated it wasn't worth the effort to return to work that day. Can't say I blame her. As for myself, I maintain that I have a medical condition that requires me to wear white socks... an acute toe nail fungus. I'd be happy to show my toe to the store manager, and if push comes to shove, get a note from my doctor, but I have the feeling he'd take my word for it.

Change For A $100?

Saturday afternoon, 1 PM. Customer wants to purchase a 8GB Flash Drive, on sale today for $13.00. Since the store is empty, I walk him to the register and offer to cash him out. He hands me a $100 bill, and I jokingly ask him if it is real. Corporate policy dictates I check to see if it's counterfeit, but I don't give a shit. He says its real, which is good enough for me. The till opens and all I see is one $20, two $10's, a few $5's and $1's in the drawer. I shout over to Mary, the other cashier, and ask if she has change for a $100. She says, "No, page Ken the manager and he can get some change from the office." I page Ken and wait 10 minutes until he shows up. I ask if he can get change for $100 from the office, and he says, "No cash on hand today, ask the customer if he can pay with a credit card instead." Pencils, with 25 BILLION dollars of revenue in 2010, doesn't have enough cash on hand to make change for a $100 bill. I'm thinking to myself, you've got to be shitting me, but instead I say, loud enough for Ken and the customer to hear, "What kind of half-assed company is this?" I want to tell the customer just to take the fuckin' flash drive and walk out the door, but instead I have to ask him if he can use his credit card instead. Fifteen minutes later, he takes his receipt and is gone. If he has any sense, it will be for good.

DUMB-ASS CUSTOMER OF THE WEEK: Who The Hell Still Uses A Floppy Disk?

Woman comes up to the tech desk, all in a panic. "I need a file from this CD put on to this floppy disk! It's an emergency!" My first reaction is: "Who the fuck still uses an floppy disk?" then, why would she think we would have a computer with a floppy drive. As I'm about to tell her to take a hike, Matt the manager steps in and says, "No problem." Well, I'm just about to crap my pants when I hear that, then Matt informs me the computer we use under the tech bench has a floppy drive in it. Pencils, the company at the cutting edge of technology, still uses a PC with a floppy drive. I guess that shouldn't surprise me. To make matters worse, the customer then explains to me that the embroidery machine she uses uses a floppy disk and she wasn't able to transfer a file because her CD drive was on the fritz and she has an important job that needs to get done tonight. I guess she couldn't tell from the expression on my face that I couldn't give a shit about her embroidery machine, her broken CD drive or her hemorrhoids.
Matt transfers her file from the CD to the floppy, then tells me to ring her out for  $10.00 at the register. I input the SKU Matt told me, and the receipt reads $10.60. The customer asks me what the 60 cents is for, and I tell her tax on the $10.00. She then starts screaming, "There is no tax on services!" She's one second from getting that stupid "EASY" button rammed down her throat when her husband steps in and hands me the sixty cents. When she's out the door, I say to Matt, "Ungrateful bitch... but she was right about the tax."

WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

Dazed and Confused

Today my neighbor Danny stopped by Pencils. I've known Danny since he was born, which has been 14 years, give or take a week or two. We've had a longstanding joke that I'm his biological father, something he would tell his classmates at the bus stop when I would occasionally drive by and offer him a dollar "for lunch money".  The fact that he looks more like me than his real father adds to the deception. Danny had the good sense today to ask the manager, Matt, if he could get the family discount, being that I'm his "biological dad". Danny told him he lives a few streets away from me with his mother and her husband. Later, Matt asked me what was up... I assumed he was referring to the question of paternity, and I told him that Danny's family was so dysfunctional, that the "father issue" was the least of his problems. Matt then inquired, "You mean his mother never asked you for a DNA test?" I told him that she had two other children, and she didn't want to open up a can of worms. I then added, "She never asked me for child support either. Not that I could afford it given my salary at Pencils."

FOUNDER'S CELEBRATION AT PENCILS!

I had no idea how special this weekend was at Pencils until I walked into work today and saw all the associates wearing blue jeans. I immediately inquired about the about the new "wardrobe" and Mary, one of the assistant managers responded, "Mitch, this is Founder's Weekend! Tomorrow we have free subs for lunch and on Sunday you can wear any color shirt you please." Holy shit!!!!!! I haven't finished celebrating Mary Hart's retirement from Entertainment Tonight and now this!
If I had only been so insightful 25 years ago to realize America needed an "office stupidstore". Instead of working for something only a bit higher than minimum wage, I could be sitting on a pile of Pencils' stock worth several million dollars. Looking on the bright side, a customer blessed me today after I showed her where the ink cartridges for her printer were. According to the Rapture, if I wake up on Sunday, I'm in Hell. Actually, I'll be working the 9 to 3 shift, so hell won't be that far off.

Pencils: Harassment in the Workplace?

When I showed up for the afternoon shift yesterday, the store manager Ken asked me if I would mind going to the training room and watch a forty minute video about harassment in the workplace. "What training room?" was my first question. "It's the small room off the break-room," he replied. OK, so now I knew what that shithole was. I then commented that 40 minutes seemed like overkill. Ken, who also seems to have a dry sense of humor, then said, "Just watching the video is harassment." He wasn't kidding. The graphics were worse than the Super Mario Brothers and the production values looked like a 1980's middle school project. I was able to waste over an hour on this training session and when I finally emerged from the spider hole it seemed everyone had forgotten I was there. I then noticed the check-out line was backed up so  I jumped on on Register 2 and rung out an attractive young lady who had that "sexy librarian" look about her. Back at the tech bench, my supervisor Matt, who I noted had glanced over at the customer earlier, quipped, "That was very interesting." I couldn't help to add, "And a nice rack too."

Get Up, Stand Up

A Jamaican fellow walks in with an HP Printer, plops it down on the tech desk, and says, "Mon, dis printer no work." I plugged it in and sure enough nothing happened. I looked at his receipt and he had only purchased it 3 days ago, so I was sure the manager would swap it out for a new one. The customer then told me he had previously bought another printer 2 weeks ago, and that one hadn't worked, so he brought that printer back and got the one sitting on my bench. "Two trips back and forth, and two printers that don't work, Mon... I should be compensated for my time and gas too." I now saw an opportunity, and egged him on to demand money from Pencils for his aggravation and expenses. "Damn right," I told him. "Bob Marley wouldn't have put up with this bullshit." When I left the store he was still arguing with Ken, no doubt telling him the Bumbaclot at the tech desk said he deserved something extra.

Dragging The Ship Down

Yesterday I stopped by Pencils to buy envelopes and shipping tape, when the new assistant manager asked me to step into the office. Sitting at the desk was Matt, my tech boss. He had an ominous look on his face, then proceeded to say, "Mitch, you're like an anchor here." I didn't know what the hell he was referring to or what he meant until he continued. "Mitch, you have over 25 training videos you need to watch, then take a test on."
Obviously "management" was on his back to get me up to speed and if they wanted to pay me to sit around and watch tutorials on how to stack toner cartridges on the shelf, what did I care. The problem was I already watched a half-dozen videos and failed the tests. Out of frustration Donna, the old assistant manager, gave me a sheet with the answers. I told Matt taking tests was an issue due to my Aspergers and he'd need to help me with the tests. He then said, "Just start with the easy ones. Some tutorials have just one yes or no question or just a box to check to confirm you watched it." He then inquired if I had some free time to do this in the next few days. I replied, "Not really," and split.

New Assistant Manager: Lock and Load

Donna, my favorite manager who has worked at Pencils for 10 years, was transferred to another store last week. Yesterday, her replacement showed up. Charlie previously worked for a national sports retailer and I jokingly asked him if he had a concealed weapons permit. He immediately opened his wallet and showed it to me. I didn't ask him if he was "carrying", but it might of come in handy earlier in the day when a guy "boosted" a Motorola Xoom from the display booth. The brazen thief cut the wire security cable, stuffed the tablet down his pants, and tore out of the store. My feeling is if someone wants something that bad, let him have it. As I told Charlie, "Don't expect me to take a bullet for Pencils..."

MEAL BREAK?

I recently asked Matt, the assistant manager, if Pencils had a portable defibrillator, "Just in case someone has a massive coronary while shopping for toner or paper clips." He had just returned from his lunch break at Chick-fil-A  and was still sipping on a gallon-size cup of Coke. He looked up and said, "No one has ever died in this Pencils, but some guy did bite the dust in the parking lot a few years ago." I didn't make any further inquiries, but I had to assume the death he was referring to was from a fatal gun-shot wound from a car-jacking gone bad.
One of the biggest drawbacks of working at Pencils is the limited choice of dining venues. The so-called "break room" resembles the bathroom... only instead of a toilet there is a table. The closest place to catch a quick bite is Renno's Subs, which is only marginally preferable to the pet store next door. Which leaves Chick-Fil-A as the only game in town, which I can proudly say I've refrained from setting foot in. I opt to endure bouts of hypoglycemia and hunger pains to cholesterol-clogging chicken nuggets. In a moment of weakness, I grabbed a Kit-Kat Bar from the candy rack the other day and rang it up on the register. Donna, the MOD (manager of duty) ran over and screamed, "What are you doing?" I replied, "Paying for a Kit-Kat Bar." She then exclaimed, "Don't you know you could get fired for doing that?" I wanted to say, "For eating a Kit-Kat Bar?" but I realized she meant for ringing myself out. Matt, who had been observing this fiasco, came over and told me, "Don't do that again." He reeked slightly of fried chicken tenders.

The Bonus Check: Are You Shitting Me?

Yesterday we received our quarterly bonus checks. How the amount is calculated nobody knows for sure. Apparently it has something to do with meeting an overall sales quota score for the store, personal sales of technology products, a combined sales number of all Pencils associates divided by hours worked and how many bananas a monkey ate in one week at our local zoo. Instead of cashing this check, I'm going to frame it and hang it on my (bathroom) wall. Pete, my co-worker, plans to cash his check and buy a Coke. And get this... he'll have 7 cents left over!!!

Working Smarter, Not Harder

One of the biggest challenges of my job at Pencils is to appear to be working, when in fact there is absolutely nothing to do. I've noticed that my associates have taken on certain methods to achieve this ruse... primarily by hiding in a far-off corner of the store, in office furniture or art supplies. For myself, I found the perfect solution... retrieving shopping carts from the parking lot. If I'm lucky, I can spot a cart or two that has been hijacked to the other end of the strip mall, which can lead to a 15 minute "cart retrieval". It has the benefit of allowing me to get fresh air, exercise and the satisfaction that I'm returning property to the rightful owner. When I manage to wrangle the carts back into the store, I inform the manager, Matt, "All carts accounted for, SIR!"

CSI: PENCILS (Shit & Run)

This is a true story. I personally interviewed all the Pencils associates who were eyewitnesses to the incident. Matt, the manager on duty, refused to let me view the surveillance tape, but I was told it was watched endlessly by all the other associates that evening. I caution the reader: the description of the details of this event may cause nausea, a sympathetic effusion or uncontrollable laughter, or a combination of the above.
At approximately 7 PM on Thursday, April 21st, a large woman, whose weight was approximated at between 275-300 pounds, wearing a long black skirt and white blouse, entered Pencils pushing a shopping cart. Pete, who was working at the Tech Desk, then heard a woman's voice yell out, "I don't feel good." He looked up and saw the woman trying to exit through the entrance doors. She was pushing the shopping cart into the doors, apparently in hopes of getting the sensors to release. The doors did open and the woman quickly exited. Karen, the cashier on duty and closest to the scene, then noticed several large, brown piles on the floor, precisely where the woman was standing. The brown "matter" was tracked by the shopping cart wheels and the woman's feet from the white tile floor, back through the carpeted foyer, and onto the sidewalk in front of Pencils. It was agreed on by all the Pencils associates and managers that the woman did in fact loose control of her bowels and the question now was what to do. If I had been there, I would of suggested calling the fire department to hose it out. As it turned out, the unthankful task was granted to Tom, the Inventory Associate. When I saw Tom on Saturday, I tried to illicit some sort of statement from him, not knowing if he would find it humorous. "It was an abomination, " he told me... smiling. I suggested he ask for a bonus.
Yesterday I suggested to Matt that the carpeting in the foyer be replaced for sanitary reasons. Matt said, "I already spoke to corporate about it."

Who Loves Ya, Baby?

My first celebrity-sighting at Pencils... Kojak. (Since Kojak is dead, it must be his twin brother.) He waltzes in and asks me, "Do you work here?" I'm standing behind the tech counter wearing my Pencils Tech Shirt with a name badge pinned above my chiseled chest.  I wondering if he can really be that stupid or he's joking with me. He seems serious and asks to speak to the manager. I walk into Ken's office and note that he is engrossed in a phone conversation, probably the weekly conference call with corporate. I pantomime that a customer wants to see him. Ken blows me off and I walk out and tell Kojak the manager is tied up on a phone call at the moment, but maybe I can help him. Kojak then says, "Tell the manager to get his fat, fuckin' ass out of the chair and come out here and see me. At this point, the assistant manager, Donna, shows up and Kojak starts to rip her a new asshole because there is nobody at the copy center to help him copy a 400 page legal brief. He threatens to call corporate to complain (this is killing me now) and somehow Donna doesn't have a aneurysm. An hour later I see him at the copy machine and ask him if he'd like a cocktail or a special plate of Pencils hors d'oeuvres, courtesy of the management.

Customer of The Day: Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Brother Label Maker

White Caucasian male, late 40's, balding, slight resemblance to Danny DiVito, but about a foot taller, wearing blue work pants and shirt, comes up to me and asks, "Where's your P-Touch?" I want to answer, "In my pants," but instead I respond, "Is that a personal question?" I know he is referring to the Brother Label Maker, but I want him to realize how absurd his question sounds, so I want him to ask the question again. He does, but this time, because of his Eastern European accent, it comes out, "Where's your "P" Cup?" I tell him we don't do drug testing at Pencils (thankfully!) and so we can't take his urine sample.

What Pencils Does Right

For me, nothing is more aggravating than standing in a line waiting to pay for something. Pencils corporate somehow recognized this situation and came up with a solution... have the closest associate drop what they are doing and open another register. For instance, I could have my hand inside a tower replacing a power supply or trying to remove a stick of memory when I'll hear, "Mitch, jump on register three!" My first thought is I pity the poor customer who is next in line. Unless you have a straight-forward purchase with a credit card or cash, forget it! If I see someone is preparing to make a return, I immediately say, "Sorry, you'll have to go to the other register for returns." Or, if you have one of those 10% off certificates, it will be 50-50 if I'll figure out how to ring that up. I'd like to blame my check-out problems on my Aspergers, but I may be just too old or too stupid, or both.

Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due

All the "associates"  I work with at Pencils appear to be decent, honest, hard-working people. Which makes it difficult for me to figure out who has the substance abuse problem, who is on anti-depressants or who is a potential homicidal maniac. James, the dreadlocked inventory manager, always seems to have a smile on his face. I know his job can't make him that happy. Tom, another associate, works 3 part-time jobs hoping to save enough money to buy a house. He gets by on 4 hours of sleep a night. William, who works in electronics, is also studying Business Administration at the local community college. Once he gets his degree, he's "out of here." Everyone seems to have a Plan B, which is smart. I'm thinking the CEO of Pencils needs to go on the CBS show, "Undercover Boss."

Pencils' Business 101: Low Supply, High Demand

On any given day, we'll have a selection of 16 laptop computers for sale, half of which are actually in stock. The other half are temporarily out of stock, no longer available or "who the hell knows". From a consumer's point of view, if I walk into a store with the intention of buying a $600 computer and told the model I want isn't available, but can be ordered and shipped to me in a few days, I'm out the door. I could of stayed home and ordered from Amazon (free shipping, no tax), or within a few mile radius of our Pencils is a Worst Buy, FompUSA or Hellmart, all selling a comparable product at a competitive price. It doesn't take a genius to know if you want to sell something, have it in inventory. Drive past any car dealership and you get the idea. I'll bet if a corn farmer from Iowa walks into Coon Rapids Ford and wants a Coral Pink F-150 pickup with a Lilly Pulitzer trim interior,  a Bose 16 speaker surround sound system and wire wheel hubcaps, chances are they will have it on the lot. I guess I have to leave it to the geniuses in corporate to figure this out while they're wondering why the computer sales figures are so low.

Pencils at Pencils?

A well-coiffed women comes up to me and asks, "Do you sell pencils here?" I looked at her with a straight face for a few seconds and said, "Why would you think we would sell pencils at "Pencils"? She turned around and walked out... Esteemed American journalist H.L. Mecken got it right when he wrote, "There is no underestimating the intelligence of the American Public."

The Theory of Assholeitivity

It never fails. Two minutes before my shift ends, in walks a guy who wants to buy a printer, but can't decide between the HP 6500 and the HP 6500A. Before he makes this life or death decision, he has to tell me all about his pending divorce and how his wife is bleeding him dry for alimony and child support. After he confessed he was a cross-dresser, she threw him out of their $2 million dollar waterfront mansion. He also can't understand why his teenage son won't talk to him. I tell him there is an advertisement in today's paper for 20% off all lingerie at Victoria's Secret. Ten minutes later, he finally decides on the HP 6500A.

TIME BANDIT

The Pencils' district auditor was scheduled to stop by the store today and Donna, the manager on duty, wanted to make sure I knew where the "eye wash station" was in case I was asked. "In the bathroom?" I replied to her inquiry. "WRONG, it is next to the loading dock." I felt so damn stupid. I then asked Donna if the auditor would ask to see my concealed weapons permit. When it was all said and done, the auditor determined "somebody" had used the terminal computer at the tech desk last week to look at Craigslist for 3 whole minutes. I wonder who that could of been? The managers then told us they were penalized 15 points against the monthly store rating. The real problem is that the employees couldn't give a rat's ass about the monthly rating, the manager's score or the price of tea in China. More on this later, I have to go and check my Facebook page before I clock out for the day....

Road Kill

Marcia, a clinical psychologist I met at Starbucks a few weeks ago, surmised  that I may be afflicted with high functioning Aspergers. We only spoke for 10 minutes, but I'm a believer in quality over quantity. Anyway, I told her one of the many things that "set me off" are the bums masquerading as military veterans collecting money (panhandling) in the road medians. The issue for me is that I see them occasionally on my way to work at Pencils, and that pretty much sets the tone for me for the remainder of the day. It's not so much a case of anger management as being so pissed off I want to run these guys over (with my Ford Explorer- see previous post). Bill DiPaolo, a reporter for The Palm Beach Post, wrote an excellent and unbiased expose about the shady Veteran's Support Group and if you are thinking about making a contribution to these charlatans, I suggest you read his article first:
Panhandling Organization Under Fire Over Claims To Help Vets
As for my Aspergers, it hasn't affected my work at Pencils unless someone walks in with a huge plate of smelly Nachos or starts singing "Happy Birthday".

The Worst Piece of Merchandising I Have Ever Seen... The Henry Ford Mouse Pad

First of all, who still uses a mouse pad? Secondly, although Henry Ford was an engineering genius, he was also a anti-semantic nutcase. And thirdly, the overall graphic design is nauseating. Whoever is responsible at Pencils corporate for buying/ordering this item needs to have their head examined. (Full Disclosure: I drive a 2000 Ford Explorer)

What's Up With The Bathroom At Pencils?

It seems, in my mind, that an inordinate amount of people come into Pencils and ask where the bathroom is. Why this is I'm not sure, as the facilities are one step up from the Calcutta Central Train Station. The only explanation I can come up with is the comfort of the institutional/prison-like decor. Both Home Depot and Lowes are right around the corner, and I can personally attest to the nice tile work and high pressure toilets that they offer. A better bet for my money is Starbucks, just a few blocks away where the restrooms are at least cleaned daily. I guess this question needs to go to "corporate", where I'm sure their bathrooms are in similar condition as ours. (see photo)

Bad Check, Good Colon

Gentleman walks in last night and buys 2 laptops, but his check doesn't clear. He apologizes, then tells the manager Ken and myself he's an "herbalist" and would like to offer us free colon cleansings. I pass, but urge Ken to give it a try.

Highlights of The Day

Man comes in and wants to buy a typewriter. (Pencils has one!) A guy who wants a case for his girlfriend's Kindle. When I suggest a clip-on light, he shouts, "It's for my fuckin' girlfriend, the case is enough!" A woman who tells me she still uses "dial-up" and the grand prize winner was her friend whose teeth and gums were a shade of burnt siena. After the wave of nausea passed, I wanted to suggest she see a periodontist.

Going "Pencil"

Next person who comes to the checkout screaming into his cellphone is going to get a pencil (a #2 Ticonderoga for symbolic reasons) rammed into his/her eye socket.

"90% of Life is Showing Up"

It's 8:30 AM and I'm at the Dog Beach with my son's Miniature Fox Terrier, Cujo. My cellphone rings. "Mitch, do you know who this is?" I don't recognize the voice, so I answer no. "This is Donna from Pencils. You're on the schedule to work 8 to 2 today." Well, I think about this for a few seconds and tell Donna that I am on the schedule to work 8 to 2, but on Thursday. Donna then says, "Today is Thursday!" I'm not sure if Pencils uses the Mayan Calendar, but today is Wednesday on my calendar.

Mission Statement

I don't have a MBA from Harvard nor did I attend the Wharton School of The University of Pennsylvania. In fact, I barely graduated from high school, but I would like to meet the genius at PENCILS who came up with this business plan: Sell laptop computers and other high-end merchandise below cost to generate floor traffic, then rely on low paid, part-time employees to sell customers shit they don't need (expensive anti-virus software, Microsoft products, 3 Year Extended Service Plans and other add-ons) in hopes of generating a profit. These are my stories.