Friday, July 22, 2011

Taking It Like A Man

My rectum was still tingling from a prostate exam earlier in the day when I showed up for the late shift at Pencils. The first thing Matt, my manager, said to me was, "Don't forget what I told you about selling ESP's the other day." I took that as an ominous sign, but to my relief, nobody from management bothered me the entire night. My big sale was a pencil sharpener for $1.50. I spent over 30 minutes with that customer explaining the pros and cons of the various electric, manual and "old school" devices. The "Biggest Asshole Customer Award" went to a young lady who insisted on buying a box of 12 Crayola Crayons. Pencils had boxes of 10 and 16 crayons, but not a box of 12. Sick of listening to her whining, I told her, "Buy the box of 16, and take 4 crayons out, then you'll have a box of 12." She didn't find that amusing, because, she stated, "Why should I pay for 4 crayons that won't be used?" I wanted to say, "They won't go to waste because I'm just about ready to shove those crayons up your ass," but instead said, "Look, I go on break in one minute and have to hit the head, so make up your mind."


  1. Hey, I came over from RHU.

    I like your style, since my posts are always fifty pages long and fucking RAMBLY I always admire the ability of anyone to get their point across in that magical few paragraphs that readers respond to most favorably.
    So I commend you, for your posts which are easy on the time but have so much packed-in to them.

    And may I say about the crayons: SERIOUSLY? What's the fucking problem? Who is that ADAMENT about not using four colors? Is she a fucking crayone racist acting on principal?
    Why don't people realize how stupid they look vehemently resisting a solution their problems?

    Wah, I can't get the exact pack of crayons I want. BOO HOO. Stupid unrealistic expectations. I hope she killed herself.

  2. I love this blog, as I work at a local Pencils myself.
    I have to ask, how does the Printing Department look on your end? Ever worked in there?

  3. Hey, just wanted to let you know I love your blog. I Googled "Suffering Pencils associates" and it lead me to you. I wanted to say it has inspired me to start my own blog. I thought about quitting this week, but I have bills to pay, and the unemployment rate in my city is 12%, so I think if I have an outlet, I may not bring grenades to work. Please check it out if you have a free moment! Thanks a lot!

  4. Sounds like the parent was reading from a teacher's list and was incapable of making a simple decision for herself. I recently had a lady screaming at me in the middle of an aisle because I tried to point out to her that her list contained a typo. It said "30 glue sticks" and unless the kids were going to be gluing themselves to each other, it most likely should have said "3 glue sticks". Instead of any type of thanks, I was told that I was the moron, that if her child's teacher wrote 30, by God, she meant 30! So after she made sure to comment to another manager about my 'lack of intelligence' concerning what students need, she checked out and left. 4 days later, she came back in, trying to return 27 sticks of glue sticks without a receipt. Guess who had to be covering a cashier's break?