Break Room Leaves A Bad Taste In My Mouth

There is a vending machine in the Pencils break room, and I've never seen anyone use it... that should have been my first clue. The room itself is a dark, dingy and dirty hole-in-the-wall and that should have been my second clue. Well, I found myself entering a hypoglycemic funk and made the mistake of plugging my spare change into the machine for a package of those radioactive peanut butter crackers. One bite and I had to spit the stale, nasty tasting manufactured food-like product into the trash bin. I didn't think it was possible for that sort of crap to go bad, but it had. Now, as a matter of principle I wanted to get my sixty-five cents back. I noticed Matt, my manager, pacing towards the Copy Center and I immediately got his attention by shouting, "Matt, I think I just got poisoned in the break room!" I then told him I wanted my money refunded from the vending machine because of those shitty-ass, date-expired crackers. He looked at me and said, "Why the hell did you buy anything from that machine? Tom saw a rat crawl out of it 3 months ago and we never eat anything that comes out of it." Well, I guess I should of known better.

Kracked Kindle

Three months ago I purchased a hydraulic  door closer for my back porch door at the local Ace Hardware store. The instructions were so convoluted I had to ask a friend of mine who is a general contractor to help me install it. When all was said and done, the contraption didn't really work as well as I expected, primarily because I mistakenly bought the "hold open" model which doesn't allow the door to automatically shut behind you once it is open past 80 degrees. Eventually I said to hell with it, disconnected the attachment arm, and moved on. Yesterday I was thinking that maybe I could write or call the manufacturer and explain my problem. Possibly they would swap me out for a model that doesn't have the "hold" feature. So I drove over to Ace Hardware and asked them if I could see the packaging for the door closer I purchased as I wanted to write to the company. The manager of the store came over to speak with me, and I again explained my situation, making sure he knew I didn't expect anything from him as it had been three months since my purchase, that I installed and used the product, and I didn't have a receipt. "No problem, I'll order you the model you want and I'll swap it out, no charge," was his response. I relate this experience because of a encounter at Pencils.

A very dapper, well-dressed older man comes up to the tech counter and tells me he purchased the Kindle in his hand late yesterday, got home, opened the box, and noticed the screen was cracked. He explained it was too late for him to return that same night, so here he was back the next morning. He asked, "Can you exchange this one for another?" The packaging was all intact, he never turned the Kindle on, and he obviously wasn't one of our usual meth-head rip-off customers. I couldn't see why giving him another Kindle would be an issue until my douche-bag manager Matt comes over and tells the gentleman, "You shoulda' bought the extended service protection. Pencils can't take this back now since you already opened the box." I knew damn well that Matt could of accepted the Kindle back as a "broken in shipment" product and was just being a dick. The man asked to speak with the manager, which he unfortunately he didn't realize he already had. I wrote down Matt's name and the store number on a piece of paper and told him he should contact corporate immediately and complain. I said, "The way you were treated was total bullshit." He looked at me, obviously disgusted, and said, "That manager of yours is a fuckin' asshole and I'll never buy anything in Pencils again." Too bad he had to learn the hard way...

"High" Tech

Catchin' a buzz in the Pencils' Break Room

Marty, one of the new hires in office supplies, seemed to be extremely irritable and I had to ask him what his problem was. "I didn't get any sleep last night. Pete called me at 2 AM and woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep." The Pete he was referring to is Pete, "The Crack-Head Tech" who is so amped up its a miracle he can hold a job, even at Pencils. I then asked Marty why the hell he gave Pete his cell number in the first place. "I guess it was a lapse of judgement," he replied. I then informed him he can block Pete's number, which everyone else at Pencils has already done. Pete's employment longevity is a testament to Pencils policy to help those less fortunate, even if they don't have any means of transportation, a previous criminal record, and a voracious drug habit. I'm not sure where someone with so many strikes against them can find meaningful employment these days. I've discussed Pete's "situation" with some of the other associates and the consensus ranges from pills and meth to alcohol and crack, or a combination thereof. The reason Pete has retained his employment was evident when I came into work today and Matt, my manager immediately confronted me. "Mitch, Pete had a $1700. basket last night! He sold the top end Toshiba, 3 year-extended, Microsoft Office Suite, HP 6500A printer, extra ink and some other shit." He was so excited he was starting to drool. Like I could give a rat's ass about any of this. Matt would obviously earn some extra bonus incentives from corporate and Pete still gets his $7.80 an hour. Forget "Undercover Boss," now I'm thinking we can get Pete on "Intervention" and get some positive publicity for Pencils.

When Good Jobs Go Bad

Johnny Depp and Celebrity Stalker/Make-up Artist Angie in NYC

My friend Angie, who is a makeup artist and celebrity stalker of some renown, recently contacted me after reading this blog for the past several weeks. Our phone conversation started, "Mitch, I know you have a suck-ass job at Pencils, but wait until you hear about my latest job." In the past, Angie had worked with all the big stars in Hollywood and was even pursued by O.J. before he married and killed his wife, Nicole. Over the past few years Angie's workload has seen a dramatic decrease and she, like many of us, has resorted to taking jobs she never would of considered doing in the past. "Mitch, I was hired by a photographer to do the hair and makeup on a local female athlete. Once I was there, I discovered she was to be photographed nude, which for me isn't usually an issue. Unfortunately, the young lady decided to vigorously shave her pubic region the night before and now she wanted me to apply makeup to hide the inflamed hair stubble." Once I stopped laughing, Angie proceeded to tell me there are "places she just won't go," and being a compassionate friend, I supported her decision. At least my manager Matt hasn't asked me to clean the restrooms or mop up the urine in the aisles left by incontinent customers. I guess we all have our limits.

Pencils' Telephone Customer of The Week

The following phone conversation I had with a customer last week has been transcribed verbatim.


Mitch: Hello, this is Mitch, may I help you?
Customer: Yes, my HP Printer stopped working.
Mitch: When did you purchase it?
Customer: I don't know.
Mitch: Do you have a receipt?
Customer: I don't know.
Mitch: Did you pay for it with a credit card?
Customer: I don't know
Mitch: What Pencils location did you buy it at?
Customer: I don't know
Mitch: I don't think I can help you.
Customer: Why?
Mitch: I don't know.

I then hung the phone up hoping the customer wouldn't remember the number she dialed. Sure enough, the phone immediately rang and it was her again. She asked if she could speak to someone about an HP Printer that doesn't work.

Customer: My HP Printer doesn't work.
Mitch: That's a shame.
Customer: What can I do?
Mitch: Throw it in the garbage or try to contact HP.
Customer: I'd like to speak with a manager.
Mitch: The manager is the can at the moment and probably won't be available anytime soon.
Customer: OK then, do you have a telephone number for HP that I can call?

By this time I had all I could take, but I didn't want to let an opportunity pass by. I put the customer on hold, and "Googled" the phone number for our local strip club on my iPhone.


Mitch: Hello. Here is the number for HP. They have a local repair drop-off, so ask whoever answers the phone for their address.
Customer: Thank you so much.
Mitch: The pleasure is all mine.

The First Annual Reader's Contest Winner

I'd like to thank all those who submitted their stories to "The First Annual iWorkAtPencils Readers Contest."  I received 35 entries, and deciding the winner was a daunting task. Many of my "associates" who took the time and energy to participate deserve recognition for their efforts... literally, mentally and physically. In the near future I hope to expand this blog, and with their permission, include their stories as well. The winning story was submitted by Cara, who works at a national office supply retailer in Southern California. Since she articulated her plight so well, her story doesn't need an introduction. Enjoy!

JUST DESSERTS

I am a single mother who is trying to support myself and teenage son. The problem is, I work at Orifice Depot and the store manager, whom I'll call Jose, is a real prick. He is constantly making sexual innuendos at me and several other female employees, but he knows how to fall short of it being considered sexual harassment. For instance, he'll say, "The A/C is really pumping cold today," while obviously staring at our nipples. We put up with it because we need our jobs. Last week he pretended to brush by me, rubbing his fat, disgusting groin against my leg, when there was obviously plenty of room in the aisle to get by. I decided he needed to be taught a lesson once and for all.

Some of the ass-lickers at Orifice Depot bring in baked goods, especially on payday, and leave a plate of cupcakes or chocolate chip cookies on Jose's desk in the office. I'm not much of a baker, but a few weeks ago I bought a box of Duncan Hines Brownie mix along with a box of chocolate flavored Ex-Lax at my neighborhood Albertsons. I slowly melted the entire box of laxatives into the frosting mix, and put six of the freshly baked brownies on a plate and covered them with a piece of Glad Wrap. The next morning I left the plate on Jose's desk. Around noon I noticed Jose making a beeline to the bathrooms, and when I peeked into his office I saw that the entire plate of brownie's was gone.
While baking the brownies, I kept one aside that didn't have the toxic ex-lax frosting and carefully packed it away in my pocketbook to bring to work. When Jose, looking a bit pale, was back on the floor later that afternoon, I whipped out the brownie and walked up to him, slowly taking bites of it. He stared at me probably wondering if I too was about to crap my pants, but I just smiled at him and let him see the enjoyment on my face. Later, I think he got the message, because the harassment has finally stopped, and Jose hasn't touched any goodies left on his desk since that fateful morning.

Working At Pencils Can Really Suck (*Toes)

Tom is one of the hardest working associates at Pencils. He is also obviously underpaid, because he is constantly bumming a dollar from me "For a soda". During his last monetary request, he added, "Mitch, I'm in trouble, and if my wife finds out, I'll be fucked for sure." I  asked him to elaborate, and his story continued. "One of the customers has been stalking me, and I arranged to meet her last week in the parking lot of Chili's. Things got way out of hand." I asked him what he meant "by way out of hand" and he continued. "Basically we ended up in the back seat of her car and I sucked her toes." First off, let me state although Tom is a decent guy, he's no Brad Pitt in the looks department. And why he would agree to suck a stranger's toes is also puzzling (unless it was Heidi Klum asking for the oral interaction). He also informed me his paramour was a 55 year-old divorcee, almost twice his age. I immediately suggested he break things off before he finds himself sucking more than toes. "She's crazy and won't leave me alone, no matter what I tell her. She's been sexting me non-stop!" he exclaimed. Tom looked like he was ready to break-down and cry right there in art supplies. "Here's what you do," I told him. "Tell her you haven't been honest with her. Say you are gay (*not that there is anything wrong with being gay) and you recently had a homosexual encounter with Matt, the tech manager, and you'd like to pursue a relationship with him." A big grin came across Tom's face, he reached out like he wanted to hug me, and said, "Mitch, you're a genius! By the way, would you have a dollar I can borrow for a soda?

Keep Those Entries Coming

A quick reminder to all those "associates" out there that the deadline for the First Annual iWorkatPencils Reader Contest is September 3, 2011. (See the August 19th posting for details)-
One need not work at "Pencils" to enter. Any experience as a low-paying, under appreciated and badly treated employee in retail will suffice. Keep in mind when relating your story, less is more...

Indecent Exposure at Pencils

No doubt there has been a steady supply of MILFs coming into Pencils the past few weeks, but what has been mystifying, or even disturbing, is what the young girls have been wearing while out shopping with mommy. I could only wish my female classmates dressed similarly back in the day, but I should be grateful that brassieres were considered optional during my high school years. And unlike current female grooming standards, body hair was considered "natural," and one never knew what to expect in the southern hemisphere. TImes change. Thankfully I'm not a 11th grade science teacher, but a low paid, under-appreciated and poorly treated EasyWreck Technician. Thank you Pencils!

No Shit Sherlock

My neighbor Clark, a publishing industry executive and a fan of this blog, stopped by my house today and offered some professional advise. "Mitch," he said, "When the next person comes up to you at Pencils with a look on their face that says "I'm about to shit my pants" and asks you where the bathrooms are, tell them there aren't any."
I stood there and wondered, "Why the hell didn't I think of that?"

Worth The Wait

I was scheduled to work the evening shift last night, but Charlie, the new assistant manager, called me earlier in the day and said I didn't need to come in.
I wanted to pickup my so-called paycheck, so I stopped by Pencils at 7PM and it looked like a Category 5 Shit-Storm had hit the place. All 3 checkout lines were backed up, at least 10 customers in each line. Scores of screaming brats and their Jerry Springer guest mothers were ripping the place apart, scrounging for the "Buy One, Get One Free" package of erasers.
It was then I spotted Matt, my tech manager, with his shirt soaked with perspiration and sweat dripping down his face, and offered to come in and help out for a few hours. "No, we got it covered," he answered.

Pencils' Madness

I've come to the conclusion that the best way for me to do my job at Pencils is to be thoroughly stoned. Corporate obviously acknowledges this because Pencils is one of the few companies that does not have a drug testing policy. My problem is: I haven't smoked reefer in over 30 years, but if there was something to drive me back to the "wacky weed", it would be my esteemed position as an EasyWreck Technician. Rarely am I allowed to actually "fix" a customer's computer, but regulated to stacking toner cartridges or helping out at the check-out counter. How many times can I ask, "Do you have a rewards card?" before I need to have a toke of some sensimilla to put my mind right?
One of the new office product associates has been running around the store like a bat out of hell, and I can only assume she is being aided by a "stimulant" of some sort. Personally, I'd prefer something to take the edge off. Worse case scenario, I can always take a whiff of something from the glue aisle.

Misery Loves Company: The First Annual iWorkAtPencils Reader Contest

I've been overwhelmed by the amount of visitors to this blog over the past few weeks and want to show my appreciation by holding a reader contest. Send me your best "On The Job" story.
The winner will be announced and their story published in this blog on September 5, 2011. The winning author will receive a $25 gift certificate to Applebee's (my manager Matt's favorite restaurant), no strings attached. The rules are simple: Keep your story concise. Less is more. The more bizarre, the better, but please be truthful. Life is stranger than fiction. You can be an employee of any retailer, not just Pencils. E-mail your submission to: iworkatpencils@gmail.com (put the word "contest" in subject line). The deadline is September 3, 2011. Myself, along with Stephen King, will judge the entries.

BTS (Back To School)... WTF?

This coming week is one of the busiest shopping periods at Pencils, so I informed my manager I'd be taking a sabbatical for 10 days. There wasn't much, if any reaction from management. Considering my little "run-in" with a customer and her two little asshole daughters a few nights back, it may be a relief for them that I won't be around for the shit-storm referred to by corporate branding as "Back To School" week.

To add insult to injury, on my way out of the store I overheard my manager, Matt, threatening to fire Kathy, one of the new cashiers, if she didn't sign-up 6 new reward card customers, take in 10-$1 donations to the Un-united Way and sell some other dumb-ass promotional gimmicks during her shift. When Matt left, Karen told me they had her on the schedule for 12 days in a row. "I'm working as a fuckin' cashier and now they expect me to squeeze an extra dollar or two from every customer?" I suggested she call their bluff and walk-out. They obviously don't have anyone else to replace her or she wouldn't have so many hours. Somebody in corporate needs their head examined before it explodes.

One Flew Over The Pencils Nest

I finally snapped. It may have been the 20th person to ask me, "Whur da baphrooms at?" or the hordes of screaming asshole kids buying school supplies. No matter, one mother took special offense to my "attitude" and accused me of accusing her whiny-ass daughter of stealing a pen from the check-out counter. I told her, "I'm not accusing your daughter of stealing... I'm accusing her of being an obnoxious, annoying brat." The mother had the potential of being a featured guest on the Jerry Springer show, and her comeback was, "You can take back all the shit in this cart and I'll go to Walmart!" What could I say? "Go ahead," I told her. Kenn, the MOD (manager on duty) had an earful by now and calmly informed me I could take-off early, which wasn't a big deal as it was five minutes past closing anyway.

Jobs In Jeopardy?

I've heard through the grapevine that my buddy Daniel in upstate New York has a wager going with some of his friends. Apparently they are betting when Pencils will fire me. Well, I'm happy to report that I'm still being recognized as a valued employee. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case for the dreadlocked inventory manager, James, last week. The official word is he was shit-canned for boosting Sprites from the warehouse. The unofficial word is a lot more shit was disappearing than 1 liter bottles of soda. One of the feistier cashiers, Karen, was also let go (fired). When I asked Steve, a longtime Pencils associate, what the hell was going on, he replied, "We have people lined up for jobs here." I then reminded him 5 of the new 6 hires failed to show up for work this past week and one cashier never came back after taking her 15 minute break. All this goes back to my original theory: If you show up for work and don't steal, you have job security at Pencils... and that's saying something in today's economy. "Alex, I'll take shitty jobs for $200."

Urinal Redux

I first addressed the issue of "The Bathroom" at Pencils back on April 9th (see archived post). Unfortunately, I'm still constantly reminded of management's disregard for employee hygiene. As indicated by the red arrow in the accompanying photograph, the washers/fittings of the flush handle have either worn or disintegrated, causing the user's hand to get a thorough soaking each time the fixture is flushed. Initially this can come as a shock, but after careful consideration, I'm thinking this is corporate's initiative to save water. No need to wash your hands at the sink after taking a leak, the urinal will do it for you. Luckily I've been able to refrain  from using the commode, but I can only image what surprises may lurk there. Advise to management: Post a sign at the entrance of the bathrooms: USE AT YOUR OWN RISK-EMPLOYEES NEED NOT WASH THEIR HANDS.

Chicken Feed

Our local newspaper recently ran an article about the proliferation of people wearing stupid costumes and holding signs to help promote businesses. The business owners swore by it... they all saw increased traffic and sales in their stores. But here's the kicker, some (but not all) of the costumed hawkers were being paid $12 per hour for their service. Granted, it can get warm inside those polyester getups, and standing on your feet for 8 hours isn't for someone with deep-veined thrombosis, but at $12, that's almost $5 more per hour than a tech with computer certification makes at Pencils. I read a comment on this blog from another Pencils associate who posed the question, "If employees were paid a decent wage, would they do a better job?" My answer is emphatically YES! $7.50 an hour, I couldn't give a shit. $12 per hour, I'll show some interest. Next time your computer crashes, ask a guy in a chicken suit to fix it, you may be better off.

I Feel Your Pain

"Pain is what drives the customer to start the buying process."

The above quote was paramount in a recent memorandum given to Pencils' sales associates to help them better understand, and then rip-off customers. It's been over 2 days since I read  that crock of shit, and still can't believe it! What I find even more ludicrous is that corporate most likely spent tens, if not hundreds of thousands of dollars to some ass-wipe to come up with this marketing theory. How about this instead? "Running out of printer ink, paper or #10 envelopes is what drives the customer to start the buying process." The only time I see customers in pain is when they are harassed relentlessly into buying extended service plans. It appears the inmates are continuing to run the asylum. Attention Pencils' shareholders... SELL before the whole place goes down the shitter!!!!!!

Music To My Ears

Last year when I was working in the IT department at a local GM dealership, I couldn't help to notice the odd choice of music piped into the showroom. While an 80 year-old couple would be looking over a new Buick LaCrosse, The Grateful Dead would be singing, "Ridin' that train, high on cocaine....". I asked Sarah, my supervisor, who decided what music channel was played, and she replied, "The owner, Bill... he likes the 70's format." Hey, I'll take Frank Zappa over Frank Sinatra whenever I'm car shopping!

On any given day, the music playing in Pencils can be downright atrocious to mildly tolerable. Occasionally I'll catch Tom, the office supply associate, singing along to a Sheryl Crow tune or Mary humming along to Beyonce. Personally, I'd like to hear Snagglepuss' Minnow blaring down the aisles. I can anticipate a customer complaining about the "loud music" to which I could respond, "Sir, if you don't like it, get the hell out and buy your fuckin' loose leaf binders and stupid Sharpies somewhere else... and by the way, do you have a Pencils Reward Card?"

Entrepreneur Of The Year Award

I haven't been contacted by Human Resources at Pencils, but somehow I don't think I'm cut-out for advancing to management. Too many sales quotas, conference calls, employee and customer issues and "Memo's about the TPS Reports." There also may be a notation in my file that says, "Nut Job, but shows up for work and doesn't steal merchandise."
Yesterday I spotted an SUV in the Pencils' parking with a large decal advertising "Crime Site Restoration." At first I thought Pencils hired this company to clean the human feces off the carpet in the foyer, but then I remembered Matt had  contacted corporate and had the carpet replaced last month. So now I'm thinking, here's an entrepreneur who has determined there is a niche market that is being underserved. A few years ago my neighbor, Henry, sent his wife to one of the dozen apartments he owned to "clean up" after a tenant was discovered dead. Amy (Henry's wife) had told me, "Mitch, it was disgusting. She had been decomposing on the mattress for several days and it was quite a mess." Why her husband asked her to do this and why she actually did it, I can't imagine. Henry and Amy are coming over for dinner next week and I'll mention Crime Site Restoration to them. And if they need a virus removed from their computer, that's another story.

Taking It Like A Man

My rectum was still tingling from a prostate exam earlier in the day when I showed up for the late shift at Pencils. The first thing Matt, my manager, said to me was, "Don't forget what I told you about selling ESP's the other day." I took that as an ominous sign, but to my relief, nobody from management bothered me the entire night. My big sale was a pencil sharpener for $1.50. I spent over 30 minutes with that customer explaining the pros and cons of the various electric, manual and "old school" devices. The "Biggest Asshole Customer Award" went to a young lady who insisted on buying a box of 12 Crayola Crayons. Pencils had boxes of 10 and 16 crayons, but not a box of 12. Sick of listening to her whining, I told her, "Buy the box of 16, and take 4 crayons out, then you'll have a box of 12." She didn't find that amusing, because, she stated, "Why should I pay for 4 crayons that won't be used?" I wanted to say, "They won't go to waste because I'm just about ready to shove those crayons up your ass," but instead said, "Look, I go on break in one minute and have to hit the head, so make up your mind."

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

No sooner than my boss, Matt, finished royally reaming me out for not selling an ESP (extended service plan), a customer walked up to me and asked if Pencils carried replacement chargers for a laptop. He was quite dapper in appearance, and I pegged him for either an educator or a psychologist. Feeling a bit revengeful for that little "talking to" I had just endured, I informed him that he could get ripped-off for $100 at Pencils, or buy the same charger online at Amazon or at FompUSA down the road for $39. He said he wasn't familiar with the area, and could I give him directions to FompUSA. Since he obviously wasn't a local yokel, I continued the conversation by asking him where he was from. "I'm the Administrator for the Division of Mental Health for the state prison system and work out of state capital," he replied. Now, I couldn't resist. I then said, "Let me ask you a hypothetical question... if I was to come to work one day with an AK-47 and start blowing people away, would you feel my actions would be justified considering the mental stress inflicted on employees here to sell extended service plans?" I detected a slight expression of "are you serious", but the gentleman offered this advise: "You seem like an honest fellow, and you may benefit from counseling. Otherwise I might suggest speaking with your boss to resolve your issues before they get out of hand." I thanked him for his advise and later told Matt that maybe one reason I can't sell Extended Service Plans is because I'm just too stupid. I then asked Matt if he knew where I could buy ammo for my AK-47.

What Stinks At Starbucks

Andy, a retiree from Rhode Island, works mornings at my local Starbucks to keep himself occupied and to supplement his social security dollars. He frequently extols the benefits of working for Starbucks, which apparently has a completely different business philosophy than Pencils. Each Saturday and Sunday morning, at approximately 9:30 AM, a boisterous, smelly, obnoxious and inconsiderate group of bicyclists arrive, much to the dismay of the Starbucks customers, and to Andy in particular. "They're dripping sweat all over the counter, they're rude, and some only want a free glass of filtered water. Of course none leave a tip," Andy recently lamented to me. The kicker here is that I too ride my bicycle to Starbucks, but refuse to travel in pack, or wear those tight-fitting Lycra bike shorts. I don't mind looking at the girls' asses, even those who could afford to loose a pound or two, but those fuckin' guys... with their "junk/package/anthony weiner" hangin' out is too much for me to take. But I digress, let me get back to the issue at hand.
This past Sunday morning Andy apparently had enough of the group's behaviour and shouted out, "Can you people please use your indoor voices!" This really pissed the bicyclists off, and later as I was standing outside I heard one hormone-infused guy say, "Who the hell does he think he is telling us that?" I relayed that comment to Andy and suggested he add a little urine to the guy's latte next Sunday.

Digital Detox

Welcome sign that hangs in the foyer of my house

My buddy Jon, aka Jonny Dread, is an addict... and he's not addicted to ganja, but to his cellphone. There is usually an extra place set at his dinner table... for his cellphone. I once called him and he answered his phone while he was sitting in a dentist's chair. Granted, I had trouble understanding him as his mouth was filled with cotton. I bring this up because last week while I was sitting on the crapper, I read an article in the Wall Street Journal about "digital detox." A group of resorts have offered a discount to guests who surrender their laptops, iPhones, iPads, Crackberry's or anything else that digitally connects them to the real world... which got me to thinking.

My wife recently asked me if I was busy at Pencils with computer repairs. "Of course not, who wants to pay $200 for virus removal?" I responded. Anyway, she then commented, "Pencils needs to revamp their business plan if they want to stay in business." So now I'm brainstorming: Pencils needs to franchise Digital Detox Centers. There could be a million ways Pencils corporate could fuck it up, but I'm considering dropping this idea in the suggestion box. Who knows, I could get a $15 Gift Certificate to Applebee's.

Pencils: An Equal Opportunity Employer

Pencils job applicant Charles Manson: Excellent
people and organizational skills; has anger issues
and not available to work weekends.

It seems nobody wants to answer the phone at Pencils. Chances are it's another stupid customer asking yet another stupid question. I recently answered a call from a young man who asked if the opening for the cashier position was still available. It wasn't the typical asinine inquiry... then I noticed my boss Matt consulting (i.e. ripping-off) a customer on the other end of the tech bench, so I saw my chance to stir the pot. I politely interrupted, which really pissed Matt off, then asked him, "Matt, there is a young man on the phone inquiring about the cashier's position. He wants to know if a manslaughter conviction would prevent him from getting the job. His father came at him with a pitchfork and he blew the guy's brains out with a shotgun in self-defense." Matt just stared at me, so I then asked him, "Should I tell him to fill out the application online?" The customer looked at me somewhat horrified. I told the young man on the phone to stop by the store and introduce himself to one of the managers. I also mentioned, "If you don't steal or smoke crack on the job, chances are you'll get hired."

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Cold In A Pretzel Bowl

Tonight a customer purchased a HP Desktop that was on sale for $329. Matt, the tech manager, tried to sell him Microsoft Office, then Norton Security, then the Extended Service Plan. The customer wasn't falling for the bullshit sales rip-off, so Matt turned to me and said, "Go ring him out." As I'm at the register Mat comes over and is relentlessly going over his sales pitch, almost to the point I want to say, for the customers sake, "Shut the fuck up already with the extended service plan shit." As soon as the customer is out the door, Matt comes up to me and says, "Don't ever rush a customer through check-out when I'm trying to make a sale." Now I'm wondering if this guy is for real. He then asks me, "Do you know what a market basket is?" I want to respond, "Do you know what a fuckin' asshole is?", but answer, "Sir, yes sir!" Matt then says, "Your market basket was $6.99 for the pretzels the guy bought along with the computer." Later, while Matt is spending 30 minutes in the crapper, I'm able to convince a customer not to buy the Toshiba laptop on display but go purchase a MacBook at The Apple Store instead.

By Reason of Insanity

By all outwardly appearances, the middle-aged woman standing at the tech bench seemed to be normal. I overheard her telling Matt, my manager, her hard drive had crashed and she was desperate to have her data recovered. This is where it gets strange... an hour later, she is still standing there, and I hear her say, "I'm not leaving this damned store until I know my data is recovered." Every few minutes when I come into earshot, I hear more of her ranting and raving, when this comes out of her mouth: "I know my God-damned brother screwed my computer up, and he is HIV positive, and I hope he dies." Now she has gone from annoying to making me sick to my stomach. She soon segues into an Iraq war/oil conspiracy theory dissertation when I can stand it no longer. I interrupt her and say, "You don't have to explain the war to Matt as he worked for Halliburton before coming to work for Pencils. He was also a hunting buddy of Dick Cheney's." For the first time since entering the store her mouth stopped flapping like a whippoorwill's ass. Matt looked at me somewhat puzzled, but thankful I got her to shut the fuck up.

Full "Mental" Jacket

It takes a lot to creep me out, but one customer last night managed to raise the bar. He was a middle-aged guy and had two kids with him, a boy and a girl, both young teenagers. What immediately caught my attention was he looked like Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket, only he was wearing large wire frame glasses... I'll also go out on a limb and say his photo may be on one of those registered sex offender websites. In any case, he spent over an hour looking at shitty MP3 players when he finally came up to the Tech Bench said, "Can I ask you a few questions?" My first reaction was to say "Fuck Off" and call The Department of Children's Services, but said, "Go ahead." For starters, he wanted to know how many movies and songs his son could load on the MP3 player. As it only had 4GB, I told him that depended, but asked why didn't his son want to buy an iPod at Best Buy instead. Well, come to find out this poor kid didn't know what iTunes was, apparently had no friends who he could pirate movies and music from, and was stuck with his strange-ass father and a sister who acted like she was on thorazine. When "Dad" finally decided to hold off on making a decision on whether or not to buy the MP3 Player, he started to reach into his pocket and say, "Would you mind if I gave you something?" I'm thinking a $5 or $10 tip, but no... its a pamphlet that reads: "4 Things God Wants You To Know"- That explained everything...

Pencils: Sweat Equity

In what the marketing department will say is a corporate effort to "go green," Pencils' associates will say is yet another attempt by the bean-counters to add a few cents to the bottom line at the expense of the employees' comfort. What I'm referring to is the turning off of the air-conditioning 40 minutes prior to the store closing. If you're working in the downtown Anchorage, Alaska Pencils or store # 2630 in Bismarck, North Dakota during the summer months, I'm sure it's no big deal. But if your sorry ass is in any of the stores located in Florida, Arizona or Texas... watch out!  The average night time temperature in South Florida is 80 degrees, add that to the heat generated by the indoor lighting and then the hot air generated by the managers, and it won't take long to feel a bit sticky. I've noticed several of the male employees waddling around like ducks just before closing, so I'm going to suggest we all pitch in and buy a case of Gold Bond Medicated Powder. Gold Bond's website says, "Gold Bond Powder is used to curb moisture, control odor, and soothe minor skin irritations, most notably jock itch." I'm thinking the "Extra Strength Powder" is the way to go. As for my female co-workers, I'm open to suggestions.

I Stand (Or Sit) Corrected?

Last week I criticized the corporate geniuses at Pencils who thought it would be a good idea to sell toilet paper at an office supply store. Yesterday, while covering the register for Karen, a lady came to the check-out with one package of the Charmin 16 roll pack. I had to ask, "What's up with the Charmin?" She told me that the price, $4.99 was almost half of what Walmart was selling it for, and when she used her 15% Rewards Points, "It a deal I can't pass up." Judging by her girth, I wanted to suggest she buy a second 16 roll pack. But here is where corporate should take note: She didn't buy anything else. No paper clips, no paper, not even the stupid $1 LED flashlight, only the toilet paper. So the marketing mavens did miss the mark. Like the bean-counters in corporate, customers who come to Pencils for the deal on toilet paper are only interested in one thing.... keeping their asses clean.

Live And Let Live

My wife and I were sitting in our neighborhood Applebee's last night eating an unhealthy dose of sodium and saturated fat (otherwise referred to as food on the menu) when the topic of Walmart arose. The news was reporting about the current lawsuit that the women employees brought against Walmart. Walmart won the initial ruling and my wife commented, "It will be appealed." Trying to put a personal spin on it, I replied, "At least Pencils doesn't decimate entire towns like Walmart." After a moments pause, she offered her view, "No, Pencils only decimates all the Mom & Pop stationary stores." Our local office supply store, established in 1921 and was/is the oldest business in South Florida, is now only a shell of its former self. There are also a few other stores barely hanging on, how I do not know. I'm proud to say I refuse to shop at Walmart. Also, I'd be remiss if I didn't remind you Pencils sells toilet paper.

Please Squeeze The Charmin

Now I'm wondering who determined that a store that sells office supplies should also sell toilet paper. They are either marketing geniuses or another example of out-of-touch corporate imbeciles.
After Tom, the inventory associate, asked me to help him stock a shelf with 900 rolls of Charmin, I couldn't help but to ponder who comes to Pencils to buy toilet paper. Judging from the use of our bathroom facilities by the general public, this in fact may be  a form of subliminal advertising (see related postings from April 24th and April 9th). Often I get asked where Matt, the assistant manager is. The most common reply is, "In the back office." This response is sometimes perplexing to my co-workers, so I clarify it by adding, "He's in the can." I try to say this loud enough so at least a couple of customers will hear it. Looking at the bright side, if I use my 10% employee discount, a 16-pack of Charmin might be a deal. As a good Samaritan, I'd leave a roll or two in the men's room for Matt.

Animation Abomination

Yesterday I spent my entire shift watching animated training videos. Initially the thought of sitting in a mold-encrusted spider hole (also referred to as the training room) for 5 hours appealed to me as I wouldn't be mindlessly stacking toner cartridges or answering stupid customer questions all night. But once the videos started, I could hardly watch the monitor. In a half-assed attempt to be politically correct, Pencils featured an African-American character that appeared to be suffering from Stage-4 Leukemia. The voice was a combination of Fat Albert and Sir Richard Burton (from Othello). I'm not black, although my wife's Nordic family considers me a "dark skin minority," but I would be definitely taking offense to these videos if I was of African descent.
When there was only 15 minutes remaining on the clock before closing, I emerged from the bowels of Pencils and was immediately approached by a woman and her teenage daughter near the laptop display. I could tell from her accent she was Haitian and she told me she wanted to buy the Acer Laptop that was on sale for $350.00- I knew Pencils would be loosing at least $50 on that sale if she wasn't persuaded to purchase any of the bullshit add-ons, so I told her to make sure she only buys the computer. I informed her that her daughter can download free anti-virus and Open Office for text editing and to forget the extended service plan. As the pair walked out as the last customers of the night, Steve, my associate at the tech bench turned to me and said, "Thanks Mitch, that really brought our store numbers down for the day." It was my pleasure.

My Cart Runneth Over... Not.

I got a pep talk from my manager Matt yesterday. For some unknown reason he thought I would be interested in "going over the numbers" and where I could improve the store's ranking. "Mitch, we loose money on every computer and printer that goes out the door that doesn't have an ESP (extended service plan), software, ink, paper or anything else in the basket." I guess he couldn't tell from the expression on my face that I couldn't give a rat's ass. About ten minutes later a couple came in and asked me, "What is the cheapest printer you have?" I pointed them towards an HP that was on sale for $49. I asked them if they needed an extra black ink cartridge and they said no. As I was ringing out the sale, Matt looked over at me from behind the tech bench and gave me a thumbs up. When I returned to the tech counter Matt, with a shit-eating grin on his face, asked me if I sold them the ESP. "Why the hell would anyone pay an additional $15 on a $49 throw-away printer?" I responded. I also neglected to tell him I refuse to even mention the ESP to customers, it's a total rip-off. I later noticed that my work schedule for next week was cut to 5 hours.

Dressing for Success: Pencils Style

Leave it to another moron in Corporate to come up with a dress code that stipulates "... black socks must be worn by all employees." First off, who the hell can tell what color socks you are wearing when wearing pants? And since employees aren't allowed to sit down, the chances of anyone actually seeing your socks is slim to none. I recently read an online posting by another Pencils' employee who was sent home to change her white socks. She stated it wasn't worth the effort to return to work that day. Can't say I blame her. As for myself, I maintain that I have a medical condition that requires me to wear white socks... an acute toe nail fungus. I'd be happy to show my toe to the store manager, and if push comes to shove, get a note from my doctor, but I have the feeling he'd take my word for it.

Change For A $100?

Saturday afternoon, 1 PM. Customer wants to purchase a 8GB Flash Drive, on sale today for $13.00. Since the store is empty, I walk him to the register and offer to cash him out. He hands me a $100 bill, and I jokingly ask him if it is real. Corporate policy dictates I check to see if it's counterfeit, but I don't give a shit. He says its real, which is good enough for me. The till opens and all I see is one $20, two $10's, a few $5's and $1's in the drawer. I shout over to Mary, the other cashier, and ask if she has change for a $100. She says, "No, page Ken the manager and he can get some change from the office." I page Ken and wait 10 minutes until he shows up. I ask if he can get change for $100 from the office, and he says, "No cash on hand today, ask the customer if he can pay with a credit card instead." Pencils, with 25 BILLION dollars of revenue in 2010, doesn't have enough cash on hand to make change for a $100 bill. I'm thinking to myself, you've got to be shitting me, but instead I say, loud enough for Ken and the customer to hear, "What kind of half-assed company is this?" I want to tell the customer just to take the fuckin' flash drive and walk out the door, but instead I have to ask him if he can use his credit card instead. Fifteen minutes later, he takes his receipt and is gone. If he has any sense, it will be for good.

DUMB-ASS CUSTOMER OF THE WEEK: Who The Hell Still Uses A Floppy Disk?

Woman comes up to the tech desk, all in a panic. "I need a file from this CD put on to this floppy disk! It's an emergency!" My first reaction is: "Who the fuck still uses an floppy disk?" then, why would she think we would have a computer with a floppy drive. As I'm about to tell her to take a hike, Matt the manager steps in and says, "No problem." Well, I'm just about to crap my pants when I hear that, then Matt informs me the computer we use under the tech bench has a floppy drive in it. Pencils, the company at the cutting edge of technology, still uses a PC with a floppy drive. I guess that shouldn't surprise me. To make matters worse, the customer then explains to me that the embroidery machine she uses uses a floppy disk and she wasn't able to transfer a file because her CD drive was on the fritz and she has an important job that needs to get done tonight. I guess she couldn't tell from the expression on my face that I couldn't give a shit about her embroidery machine, her broken CD drive or her hemorrhoids.
Matt transfers her file from the CD to the floppy, then tells me to ring her out for  $10.00 at the register. I input the SKU Matt told me, and the receipt reads $10.60. The customer asks me what the 60 cents is for, and I tell her tax on the $10.00. She then starts screaming, "There is no tax on services!" She's one second from getting that stupid "EASY" button rammed down her throat when her husband steps in and hands me the sixty cents. When she's out the door, I say to Matt, "Ungrateful bitch... but she was right about the tax."

WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

Dazed and Confused

Today my neighbor Danny stopped by Pencils. I've known Danny since he was born, which has been 14 years, give or take a week or two. We've had a longstanding joke that I'm his biological father, something he would tell his classmates at the bus stop when I would occasionally drive by and offer him a dollar "for lunch money".  The fact that he looks more like me than his real father adds to the deception. Danny had the good sense today to ask the manager, Matt, if he could get the family discount, being that I'm his "biological dad". Danny told him he lives a few streets away from me with his mother and her husband. Later, Matt asked me what was up... I assumed he was referring to the question of paternity, and I told him that Danny's family was so dysfunctional, that the "father issue" was the least of his problems. Matt then inquired, "You mean his mother never asked you for a DNA test?" I told him that she had two other children, and she didn't want to open up a can of worms. I then added, "She never asked me for child support either. Not that I could afford it given my salary at Pencils."

FOUNDER'S CELEBRATION AT PENCILS!

I had no idea how special this weekend was at Pencils until I walked into work today and saw all the associates wearing blue jeans. I immediately inquired about the about the new "wardrobe" and Mary, one of the assistant managers responded, "Mitch, this is Founder's Weekend! Tomorrow we have free subs for lunch and on Sunday you can wear any color shirt you please." Holy shit!!!!!! I haven't finished celebrating Mary Hart's retirement from Entertainment Tonight and now this!
If I had only been so insightful 25 years ago to realize America needed an "office stupidstore". Instead of working for something only a bit higher than minimum wage, I could be sitting on a pile of Pencils' stock worth several million dollars. Looking on the bright side, a customer blessed me today after I showed her where the ink cartridges for her printer were. According to the Rapture, if I wake up on Sunday, I'm in Hell. Actually, I'll be working the 9 to 3 shift, so hell won't be that far off.

Pencils: Harassment in the Workplace?

When I showed up for the afternoon shift yesterday, the store manager Ken asked me if I would mind going to the training room and watch a forty minute video about harassment in the workplace. "What training room?" was my first question. "It's the small room off the break-room," he replied. OK, so now I knew what that shithole was. I then commented that 40 minutes seemed like overkill. Ken, who also seems to have a dry sense of humor, then said, "Just watching the video is harassment." He wasn't kidding. The graphics were worse than the Super Mario Brothers and the production values looked like a 1980's middle school project. I was able to waste over an hour on this training session and when I finally emerged from the spider hole it seemed everyone had forgotten I was there. I then noticed the check-out line was backed up so  I jumped on on Register 2 and rung out an attractive young lady who had that "sexy librarian" look about her. Back at the tech bench, my supervisor Matt, who I noted had glanced over at the customer earlier, quipped, "That was very interesting." I couldn't help to add, "And a nice rack too."

Get Up, Stand Up

A Jamaican fellow walks in with an HP Printer, plops it down on the tech desk, and says, "Mon, dis printer no work." I plugged it in and sure enough nothing happened. I looked at his receipt and he had only purchased it 3 days ago, so I was sure the manager would swap it out for a new one. The customer then told me he had previously bought another printer 2 weeks ago, and that one hadn't worked, so he brought that printer back and got the one sitting on my bench. "Two trips back and forth, and two printers that don't work, Mon... I should be compensated for my time and gas too." I now saw an opportunity, and egged him on to demand money from Pencils for his aggravation and expenses. "Damn right," I told him. "Bob Marley wouldn't have put up with this bullshit." When I left the store he was still arguing with Ken, no doubt telling him the Bumbaclot at the tech desk said he deserved something extra.

Dragging The Ship Down

Yesterday I stopped by Pencils to buy envelopes and shipping tape, when the new assistant manager asked me to step into the office. Sitting at the desk was Matt, my tech boss. He had an ominous look on his face, then proceeded to say, "Mitch, you're like an anchor here." I didn't know what the hell he was referring to or what he meant until he continued. "Mitch, you have over 25 training videos you need to watch, then take a test on."
Obviously "management" was on his back to get me up to speed and if they wanted to pay me to sit around and watch tutorials on how to stack toner cartridges on the shelf, what did I care. The problem was I already watched a half-dozen videos and failed the tests. Out of frustration Donna, the old assistant manager, gave me a sheet with the answers. I told Matt taking tests was an issue due to my Aspergers and he'd need to help me with the tests. He then said, "Just start with the easy ones. Some tutorials have just one yes or no question or just a box to check to confirm you watched it." He then inquired if I had some free time to do this in the next few days. I replied, "Not really," and split.

New Assistant Manager: Lock and Load

Donna, my favorite manager who has worked at Pencils for 10 years, was transferred to another store last week. Yesterday, her replacement showed up. Charlie previously worked for a national sports retailer and I jokingly asked him if he had a concealed weapons permit. He immediately opened his wallet and showed it to me. I didn't ask him if he was "carrying", but it might of come in handy earlier in the day when a guy "boosted" a Motorola Xoom from the display booth. The brazen thief cut the wire security cable, stuffed the tablet down his pants, and tore out of the store. My feeling is if someone wants something that bad, let him have it. As I told Charlie, "Don't expect me to take a bullet for Pencils..."

MEAL BREAK?

I recently asked Matt, the assistant manager, if Pencils had a portable defibrillator, "Just in case someone has a massive coronary while shopping for toner or paper clips." He had just returned from his lunch break at Chick-fil-A  and was still sipping on a gallon-size cup of Coke. He looked up and said, "No one has ever died in this Pencils, but some guy did bite the dust in the parking lot a few years ago." I didn't make any further inquiries, but I had to assume the death he was referring to was from a fatal gun-shot wound from a car-jacking gone bad.
One of the biggest drawbacks of working at Pencils is the limited choice of dining venues. The so-called "break room" resembles the bathroom... only instead of a toilet there is a table. The closest place to catch a quick bite is Renno's Subs, which is only marginally preferable to the pet store next door. Which leaves Chick-Fil-A as the only game in town, which I can proudly say I've refrained from setting foot in. I opt to endure bouts of hypoglycemia and hunger pains to cholesterol-clogging chicken nuggets. In a moment of weakness, I grabbed a Kit-Kat Bar from the candy rack the other day and rang it up on the register. Donna, the MOD (manager of duty) ran over and screamed, "What are you doing?" I replied, "Paying for a Kit-Kat Bar." She then exclaimed, "Don't you know you could get fired for doing that?" I wanted to say, "For eating a Kit-Kat Bar?" but I realized she meant for ringing myself out. Matt, who had been observing this fiasco, came over and told me, "Don't do that again." He reeked slightly of fried chicken tenders.

The Bonus Check: Are You Shitting Me?

Yesterday we received our quarterly bonus checks. How the amount is calculated nobody knows for sure. Apparently it has something to do with meeting an overall sales quota score for the store, personal sales of technology products, a combined sales number of all Pencils associates divided by hours worked and how many bananas a monkey ate in one week at our local zoo. Instead of cashing this check, I'm going to frame it and hang it on my (bathroom) wall. Pete, my co-worker, plans to cash his check and buy a Coke. And get this... he'll have 7 cents left over!!!

Working Smarter, Not Harder

One of the biggest challenges of my job at Pencils is to appear to be working, when in fact there is absolutely nothing to do. I've noticed that my associates have taken on certain methods to achieve this ruse... primarily by hiding in a far-off corner of the store, in office furniture or art supplies. For myself, I found the perfect solution... retrieving shopping carts from the parking lot. If I'm lucky, I can spot a cart or two that has been hijacked to the other end of the strip mall, which can lead to a 15 minute "cart retrieval". It has the benefit of allowing me to get fresh air, exercise and the satisfaction that I'm returning property to the rightful owner. When I manage to wrangle the carts back into the store, I inform the manager, Matt, "All carts accounted for, SIR!"

CSI: PENCILS (Shit & Run)

This is a true story. I personally interviewed all the Pencils associates who were eyewitnesses to the incident. Matt, the manager on duty, refused to let me view the surveillance tape, but I was told it was watched endlessly by all the other associates that evening. I caution the reader: the description of the details of this event may cause nausea, a sympathetic effusion or uncontrollable laughter, or a combination of the above.
At approximately 7 PM on Thursday, April 21st, a large woman, whose weight was approximated at between 275-300 pounds, wearing a long black skirt and white blouse, entered Pencils pushing a shopping cart. Pete, who was working at the Tech Desk, then heard a woman's voice yell out, "I don't feel good." He looked up and saw the woman trying to exit through the entrance doors. She was pushing the shopping cart into the doors, apparently in hopes of getting the sensors to release. The doors did open and the woman quickly exited. Karen, the cashier on duty and closest to the scene, then noticed several large, brown piles on the floor, precisely where the woman was standing. The brown "matter" was tracked by the shopping cart wheels and the woman's feet from the white tile floor, back through the carpeted foyer, and onto the sidewalk in front of Pencils. It was agreed on by all the Pencils associates and managers that the woman did in fact loose control of her bowels and the question now was what to do. If I had been there, I would of suggested calling the fire department to hose it out. As it turned out, the unthankful task was granted to Tom, the Inventory Associate. When I saw Tom on Saturday, I tried to illicit some sort of statement from him, not knowing if he would find it humorous. "It was an abomination, " he told me... smiling. I suggested he ask for a bonus.
Yesterday I suggested to Matt that the carpeting in the foyer be replaced for sanitary reasons. Matt said, "I already spoke to corporate about it."

Who Loves Ya, Baby?

My first celebrity-sighting at Pencils... Kojak. (Since Kojak is dead, it must be his twin brother.) He waltzes in and asks me, "Do you work here?" I'm standing behind the tech counter wearing my Pencils Tech Shirt with a name badge pinned above my chiseled chest.  I wondering if he can really be that stupid or he's joking with me. He seems serious and asks to speak to the manager. I walk into Ken's office and note that he is engrossed in a phone conversation, probably the weekly conference call with corporate. I pantomime that a customer wants to see him. Ken blows me off and I walk out and tell Kojak the manager is tied up on a phone call at the moment, but maybe I can help him. Kojak then says, "Tell the manager to get his fat, fuckin' ass out of the chair and come out here and see me. At this point, the assistant manager, Donna, shows up and Kojak starts to rip her a new asshole because there is nobody at the copy center to help him copy a 400 page legal brief. He threatens to call corporate to complain (this is killing me now) and somehow Donna doesn't have a aneurysm. An hour later I see him at the copy machine and ask him if he'd like a cocktail or a special plate of Pencils hors d'oeuvres, courtesy of the management.

Customer of The Day: Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Brother Label Maker

White Caucasian male, late 40's, balding, slight resemblance to Danny DiVito, but about a foot taller, wearing blue work pants and shirt, comes up to me and asks, "Where's your P-Touch?" I want to answer, "In my pants," but instead I respond, "Is that a personal question?" I know he is referring to the Brother Label Maker, but I want him to realize how absurd his question sounds, so I want him to ask the question again. He does, but this time, because of his Eastern European accent, it comes out, "Where's your "P" Cup?" I tell him we don't do drug testing at Pencils (thankfully!) and so we can't take his urine sample.

What Pencils Does Right

For me, nothing is more aggravating than standing in a line waiting to pay for something. Pencils corporate somehow recognized this situation and came up with a solution... have the closest associate drop what they are doing and open another register. For instance, I could have my hand inside a tower replacing a power supply or trying to remove a stick of memory when I'll hear, "Mitch, jump on register three!" My first thought is I pity the poor customer who is next in line. Unless you have a straight-forward purchase with a credit card or cash, forget it! If I see someone is preparing to make a return, I immediately say, "Sorry, you'll have to go to the other register for returns." Or, if you have one of those 10% off certificates, it will be 50-50 if I'll figure out how to ring that up. I'd like to blame my check-out problems on my Aspergers, but I may be just too old or too stupid, or both.